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YOUR BITCOIN BMI
Increase Your Resale Value | Improve Your Wholesale Self.
as seen on television, your curves membership contract, and wall street
taking stock?
are you coming of age?
and learning about money markets at this point is rough.
depreciating
in value faster than a
Nissan Juke?
@&!?@$#
ook, we get it. The queasy
slide into vacant
senility is approaching
over the horizon and blocking
out the sun like a beached Carnival Cruise Ship. The market is volatile. You still don't know what Bitcoin is, and your kids don’t read your text
messages. It's going to be okay. As certified personality and humanoid appraisers, our whole team is here to help get your acorns and artillery in a row! We'll work with you to cultivate your perfect wholesale self so that you'll be ready for whatever life holds in store, be it the beach, that Carnival Cruise, or the inevitable Hunger Games.
L
Where did this all go so, so wrong?
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Recommended by professional development programs, personal trainers, lifestyle coaches, hedge fund managers, spiritual leaders, twelve-step sponsors, and Amazon-powered artificial intelligence.
Frankly, their parental smugness is making me second-guess all of my life's decisions. And I don't have time for this shit now that I am also arriving over the proverbial hill and checking my horizons.
So what's their secret, and more importantly, where can I learn it?
Why didn't our parents and teachers explain any of this stuff more? They never really seemed like financial wizards, but it sure seems like so many of them are retiring in style and doling out advice with wizened authority.
Q:
YBB Analyst Response:
Well, surely you already know some of this, but for starters, based on your file, it appears that you have saved like a spendthrift squirrel with a trust fund. You didn’t listen when Alex Jones told you to buy gold.
A:
Now, of course, the shelves of your fallout shelter are bare! I have your personalized financial forecast right here in front of me, and I am going to pull out my tarot cards here in a moment to go through this with you. But the first thing you absolutely must do immediately before anything else, before you even plan your next meal or consider whether another drink is really a good idea or actually, I think you already have four of those exact sweaters in your closet right now and before Amazon drones take over and start the mind control is this:
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